We'll still call this 'Midweek Confessions,' but I'm not going to do a link-up today. I just feel like sharing some "deeper" confessions on my mind lately. Hopefully, some of you can relate; or, at the very least, appreciate that I don't try to wear the perfect mom/wife/teacher mask around here very often.
1. The truth is, as much as I really do love my new job and work situation, adjusting to change is still hard. Until about three weeks ago, I had been out of the classroom for over a year, and I am rusty. Thankfully, I really enjoy doing the work I am doing; but, I am bringing a lot more home than I had anticipated/expected. Even though I only teach three classes, they are still three different preps (that's teacher jargon for - "classes to prepare for") which equals a lot of time and energy. And, don't get me started on grading papers --- I still have piles of summer reading (from day one) just glaring at me from my desk.
Right now, I am staying up way too late every night just trying to stay on top of things for the next day; then, when I come home around noon I am exhausted and don't always make the most of my time with Sam. In all honesty, a lot of days I am waiting for nap time so that I can sleep too. Then, the house doesn't get cleaned, the laundry doesn't get washed, and the cycle starts over again with another late night. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don't care how much or how little you work or whether it is inside of the house or out - finding balance between motherhood and a career is HARD.
2. I just finished a bowl of icecream as my "after lunch dessert." (Who even has lunch-dessert?) In other words, I am doing terrible on my diet/weight loss goals. If you are my friend on My Fitness Pal, which several of you are, you are probably receiving sad notices like "Elizabeth has not logged on in over a week." Ugg. Health/taking care of myself/practicing self-control does NOT come easily for me AT ALL. It is a day-by-day, minute-by-minute choice. And, frankly, I'm not making the right ones today (or for the last several days). I'm not calling it a failure - because this journey isn't over. But, I'm not going to sugar-coat it and make it sound like everything's peachy. I'm just putting it out there. I figure if I share the good, I gotta share the bad too. Bottom line - I lost three pounds then gained three back. One month down and almost zero progress.
3. I'm beginning to worry a little bit about Sam's language development. A few weeks ago I thought he was going to start talking more - one weekend saying "mama" and the next "ball" - but, that seems to have just been a fad. He will be 14 months old soon and, as of now, isn't really saying much of anything that makes sense. (For the record, he babbles A LOT, points some, and laughs and smiles all the time.) One part of me feels like he is just "taking his sweet time" and "focusing on walking," etc. I know that the range of what is "normal" is very wide, so I'm genuinely trying not to worry. BUT, there is another voice in my head that keeps saying "You should have read to him more." "It's because you aren't home with him enough." "You need to work harder at teaching him." Etc. Being a mom is hard too.
Moral of the story. Life is just hard. Mine is beautiful and rich and happy and blessed; but, most days it is also hard. That's just the truth. :)
(And, no, I'm not depressed or sad at all... This is just where I am. It's life.)