Whenever I write a post like the one from Wednesday, I get a phone call/text from my mom telling me how worried she is about me and how depressed I sound. Then, I spend the next five minutes convincing her that I am FINE, and the next three days worrying that I sound like a debbie-downer, ungrateful nincompoop (just looked up how to spell that word) on my blog. BUT, the other thing is, every time I write a post like that - one where I REALLY confess, not just in the funny "I'm wearing my bathing suit as underwear" kind of way - I feel SO much better. So free. I blog because of that freedom. It isn't why I started blogging, or where I thought I was going; but the freedom that comes in trying to be transparent is addicting ya'll. It feels good. It feels normal. Thanks for loving me and encouraging me and just making me feel like an ordinary mom/woman/teacher/etc.
So... I'm just checking in to tell you that I am a-OK. Life is busy and messy and hard sometimes - no doubt. But, it is also so good.
On Thursday night, the ish (literally) hit the fan... As in, my upstairs toilet overflowed and came flowing into my kitchen through the ceiling fan/light. When it rains, it pours doesn't it? (Pun intended... I just crack myself up!) Naturally, I called my dad since Jeff was out of town and dads can fix everything. Like a super-hero, he was here in five minutes in his dress shirt and khakis fresh from work plunging and cloroxing away. See, I'm unbelievably blessed. I don't know how people do it without family around. Really.
Anyway, in the midst of that clean-up, my mom came over and convinced me to go for a walk and decompress. It was good advice. Even better though, when I asked "Mom, why am I such a mess? What am I doing wrong?"she just said - "Stop taking naps and surfing the internet in the afternoons. When Sam is sleeping, you need to get your stuff done. Then, after he goes to bed at night you will be able to relax and play."
Why was this so novel to me? Of course, I knew that. But, I think I needed to hear it out loud from someone that loves me and knows me. She was right. I can get a million pieces of advice and encouragement about cleaning schedules and routines (and don't get me wrong - I love that stuff too); but, the truth is, I've just been acting kind-of lazy. Period. (Which, for the record, is ok too - sometimes. But, I wasn't feeling good about myself or the things around me; which is, not ok.)
And just like that... I was back in the game.
Not that I'm advocating this kind of craziness; but, after Sam went to bed that night, I cleaned my whole house top to bottom. I mean, really cleaned. Then, after only four hours of sleep, a morning of work, and a fun play-date to the library with Sam on Friday, I came home and did all my fall decorating during his nap.
Ya'll it was worth it.
It might be 90 degrees outside, but in my house, it is FALL. It is clean and cozy and happy. Jeff is home. We are watching movies and making pumpkin pancakes and enjoying the couple of days that I actually do feel like I have it together.
We're OK. Better than ok.
P.S. I even recorded one meal on My Fitness Pal yesterday.... Baby steps.